Dark night

I’m in a dark night of the soul. I’ve felt it for maybe the last six months or so and recently it has really hit me hard. Now, and on a few occasions over the last month or so, i find myself sensing an immense emptiness inside, a nothingness, loss of meaning, purpose, and motivation to do anything. What i once found interesting is no more. I literally sit and peer into my self and i am a shell of what i thought i was. What is the point of anything anymore? What does the kundalini actually mean to me? This is my second dark night in ten years since its inception and much more painful than the first. Is this all just a realization of the deep meaninglessness of the physical world and that the darkness i find myself shackled inside of, suffering from, is exactly what i need to to through in order to find some semblance of peace or love or purpose or whatever? I find myself crying alone these days and im not even sure why. Just out of the blue. Im angry. i feel dispossessed of everything and no real path to move forward on. I feel unsupported and uncared for In my life. I feel alone. I got a promotion at work, somehow, yet i dont even care. I hate chasing money. I hate what i do. i hate being stuck in this place im in right now. Its too much.

27 comments

27 Comments

denys

Aug 21, 2024

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's been 9+ months of Dark Night and I am in total exasperation. I had a recent experience at hospital where I blacked out, (I was losing blood), and all I thought was, thank god I'm going to die. Clearly I didn't. I came round, went home and was dealt another deck of life challenges. They seem to occur daily. It helps to know I am not alone in this stage of awakening. After the inital bliss of kundalini, it has felt really tormenting. I thought I had done the work, overcome historical problems, but they have resurfaced and it is extremely hard to be bothered to even try to overcome them again. It's like life keeps moving the finish line whilst at the same time it's taken away my energy, thrown in health issues, removed healthy coping mechanisms (exercise is no longer possible), and support mechanisms. If I had an honest conversation about what is going on, I'd probably be marched off to a mental health institution - spiritual awakening just isn't in the awareness of the people I know.

tambetvali

Sep 16, 2024

Replying to

I think in this situation it's helpful if you see life and death in one, meaningful cycle. Sickness, in this process, is torturing what is false in you, or testing, what is true, or it's result of the symmetry of cosmic variables, where you mathematically lose when other people win.

I have started to think, that I don't need immediate immortality, but small steps towards it. I can meditate to connect my death an life cycle. It consists in doing (life), reflecting (first part of afterlife) and calibrating (the phase, where you exist as cosmic, harmonic potential of new you, where you feel the logical force in Cosmos, which wants to recreate, what is lost; so you feel the cosmic harmony in relation to you, your Higher Truth). Physical rebirth, rebirth of nation or cosmos or a planet - those are the extreme forms of this. In daily life, you see many variables / intentions or occurrings of you dying in one form, and then, from their original reason, reborning again in you. You are composed of those thoughts and occurrings of your life, so for each variable, you need to create the meaningful memories for the new form to remember the old, outdated thought or intention or to exist in the same space, and you need to use zen and tao to connect those rebirths into meaningful flow. In those variables, you see the need for rebirth - you need to throw away your old thing and buy or get a new one; or you need to update your philosophy based on something. Doing this materially and mentally, understanding the small rebirths of you, your qualities and connected flows of situations, you can meditate to do this smoothly and find out, which part of you you don't lose, or what is the part those variables don't lose. You also learn to accept death - pain of gone and new friend, or girl, or ideal, it's always there and it's a death pain of something. You need to make this an easy, good flow of variables, and connect, how it's still you. Then the variables find themselves in new forms. Materially, people like you, who live now or later, are like reborn you - you also let the flows open of you helping them, leaving some signs or ideas to "remember" you.

When you exercise this, then all you consist of is immortal - and, thus, also you. Not in final sense, but you feel immortality either when you remember past lives, or when you have big or small infinity of days. This kind of exercises make it peaceful thought to experience all this. In one sense or another, you are more immortal and more happy in dangers, because what endangers you, is smaller.

About exercise - you must think little, gentle moves also as exercise, and do it very smoothly. When I am sick, it often helps me along with meditation. Even some eastern movements, like Tai Chi, can be seen as physically quite easy, but they help the coordination and what the muscles need to keep vital and moving (at least you can do small, repetitive movements); you can be weak, but as you are living, something is there which you can do, which keeps you being a living person. You can exercise with this.